Killing ghosts

Remember in my "Love me for me" post where I mentioned getting beaten down by others as a kid? As I said, I'm learning to love myself for who I am, but I've had another issue to deal with ... I'm having a hard time not judging those around me today by the jerks of my past.

And jerks there were!

I was made fun of because of my buck and twisted teeth, my over naive state, my great desire to learn, my overly bubbly and optimistic personality, my longing to be accepted by the others, but not having the right clothes or social skills ... all the things that kids like to beat you up over.

Once, while talking to a teacher about one of the many pranks pulled on me, I asked if the kids did it because they liked me or because they hated me.

I asked him to be honest with me.

But, I wish I hadn't ... he told me that the others didn't like me and tried their best to tolerate me when I was around.

I held in the tears and tried to accept the truth. But it hurt.

Hurt real bad.

It was so hard to have to grow up around those kids and feel so unwanted ... so unworthy.

I told myself I deserved it. After all, I'm a handful to live with. The geniune me is raw and real ... I wear every emotion not only on my sleeve, but on my chest. The thing that sucks is I can't help it  ... it is who I was born as.

For years, I tried my best to hide who I was and they ended up being the worst years of my life ... those are the years I'm coming out of. I respect them for they saw me through a dark time, but I no longer need them.

My dear husband knows me more than anyone else; he knows the pain I've dealt with. Recently, he said he heard a song that he thought I'd like and he was right! It was Hit the Floor by Linkin Park and is the song that is currently helping me face the anger and pain from my memories. Sometimes a deep, earthly beat and strong words help to move you out of the ugly.

 

But, I won't let myself get stuck in a negative rut. This morning I saw the video of a man that dispite his fear, and discouragement from others, ended up moving mountains. His story hit my heart and I bawled like a baby while he sang. 

Now ... don't we all have ghosts we are fighting? Don't we all have negative people in our lives? I say, stop fighting them. Stop listening to them.

Love yourself. Be true to yourself.

Your Heavenly Father and loved ones believe in you ... believe in yourself.